Diary 10.4.10

Okay, so a year of grace is really hard, and I fail often.  One would say that I live as close to a good life as anyone can easily imagine.  I have given up the desire for possessions.  I care so little about what I have I have ceased to care what my home looks like.  Not my choice, necessarily, but imposed upon me by God.  I am pretty much a hermit, again, not necessarily chosen but imposed upon by God.  I understand why. God is a jealous God, and the only way I can be at God's hand when needed is to be alone enough to hear the call.  It has been six years since I have been in a relationship.  I know that if I am to have another one, God will make it very clear who I am to be with, and it will be an arranged marriage, as they all have been.  In choosing to live, yes, to NOT die, so many years ago, I handed over my privilege of choice to God. I live 100% according to God's will...and when I don't, I make a fool of myself.   When God does not jump in and help me with certain decisions, you can be sure any decision I make will be bad.

There is a certain comfort in the way I live now. The rules are as clear as if they were written in stone.  Its only when I am stupid that I suffer. It is extremely hard to give up all of my will, yet that is what is required of me.  Actions I would not choose, or would resist, must be followed through or I will suffer.  Strangely, life is a great deal better when I allow myself to ignore my wishes and follow God's will, but it is amazing what an incredible power our desire has over us to want to pursue our own way.  For instance, God has made it abundantly clear what I must be a Mormon, without letting me know why.  Thy will be done.

 I want to want to be a Mormon, but it is insanely hard because I just cannot stand the mass mentality of it, the lack of individual thinking, the strictures of the religion! I see the greatest strength of the Mormons is that they do everything God wants them to, to the best of their ability.  That is what God wants.

Mormons also praise Jesus to the ends of the earth and truly, I have nothing against that, I support it, but God has told me otherwise.  There was a day I stood at the edge of the woods and I asked, "God, is this what you want? Do you want me to go forth into the world proclaiming that all should follow Jesus?" The sun instantly became overcast, the brilliant blue sky clouded over and became dark.  It was so instant, that I asked in a different way, "Do you NOT want me to go forth and proclaim that all should follow Jesus?" The clouds immediately dispersed, the sky was once again a brilliant blue and the sun shone strongly.

Which of course leaves me to wonder why I am to be a Mormon when the sacrifices of Jesus are the basis of the religion.  *sigh* All I can do is go forth and make mistakes.    The only way to find out what God wants from me is to make the wrong decision, say the wrong thing, and bammo.  God will sock it to me and then I will know I have done it wrong.  It is not incorrect to say that I take a step, stop, duck, await the fallout, then move slowly forward one more step at a time, in exactly this way, every day of my life.  God is hard on me, but blesses me in many ways as well.